Empowering Women to Celebrate Early Midlife
Here’s an interesting story of three friends who were experiencing their “quarter-life crisis” simultaneously, and decided to drop everything and take off for a year-long journey of self-discovery. Not something all of us are able to do, but still an inspiring story just the same. Enjoy!
In Celebration,
{siggy}
‘The Lost Girls’ of New York learn to embrace the journey – USATODAY.com.
I had to go Hollywood on myself and do a director’s clapboard CUT! while taping my welcome message last week.
My original message is good, IMO, but too long. Originally over 12 minutes I had to slice this down to the YouTube required 10 minutes. And even though I taped a shorter version that is featured to your right, this edited original version still offers some valuable insights so I’m going to share it with you anyway. No sense in scrapping perfectly good material. Take a look:
So, what did you think? Did this longer version provide you with something that is useful to you? I hope so! Please comment below as I’d love to hear any takeaways you may have gained from this or how this was helpful to you in some way. Thanks!
In Celebration,
{siggy}
I was reminded of a great principle in church today that reminds us to not ignore the call within us to do more, be more and have more than we are right now.
I’d love to take a few moments to share this wonderful concept with you. Just click on the play button below and check it out!
Is there something inside of you that has been speaking to you but perhaps you’ve been ignoring it because you’re not sure how to make this thing real? If so, that’s okay! A lot of times when something bigger than us is calling us to action it can be scary because we have no idea how to make those small little seeds that have been planted within us grow into something amazing. We can’t see beyond where we are currently of how to make it possible. But if we only take the first step and say “yes”, I promise you, your path will be revealed to you step by step. But it won’t happen until you say “yes”….even if you have to say “I have no idea what this means and I don’t have a clue as to how to make all of this work, but I am going to trust what I am being lead to do and say YES.”
Did that resonate with you in some way? I’d love to hear about it so please share your thoughts and insights below as they can be a blessing others. Oh, and re-tweets and Facebook love are always appreciated! Have a fantastic day!
In Celebration,
{siggy}
P.S. Please excuse the wobbly video and the occasional sighs in the background….my cameraboy is nine and his arms were giving out on him!
STORY HIGHLIGHTS Abusing work-at-home freedom can harm relationships with boss, clients, says ethics expert Bruce Weinstein identifies work-at-home perils: distractions, boundaries and double dipping Weinstein: Bill by the project or by results, use temptations as incentives
via www.cnn.com
In Celebration,
Endless Energy….
When I was pregnant with my son I experienced a surge of energy that I quite honestly had never experienced before in my adult life…and sadly have yet to experience again, even during my second pregnancy with my daughter.
While my pregnancy wasn’t considered “high risk”, I did have complications. Severe sciatica pain during the first trimester kept me up crying at night. After those first three months and throughout the rest of the pregnancy I was hit with toxemia. My swelling was so bad that I was given instructions not to drive, vacuum, chop veggies or do anything that required me to grip with my hands and risk the chance of cutting off circulation. It was interesting to say the least.
Because of the toxemia, I was also put under the care of a chiropractor to try and encourage my body to keep things moving along. I don’t know if it was the regular spinal adjustments or just my body hyped up from the whole new pregnancy experience, but I tell ya what…..I had more energy than the Energizer Bunny!
I was at a point where I could not sleep past 6:30 a.m. and I could not lounge around in bed after waking up for more than 30 minutes. Regardless to what time I went to bed on Friday and Saturday nights, I was up, dressed and raring to go by 7:30 a.m., sometimes earlier on Saturday and Sunday mornings. On weekends my husband got to a point where he had to ask me to not wake him before 8. Weekday mornings back then when I was still working were a lot easier too. I loved it!
Unfortunately, gone are the days of boundless energy. Even if I get eight or nine hours of sleep I don’t leap out of bed and I still feel tired. I find myself yawning constantly and just don’t feel that spring in my step like I did during that first pregnancy. Is it the early midlife age that’s got me dragging?? Better not be! If that’s the case can I only expect it to get worse and not better as the years march on? Hmmm, not feelin’ that one.
Quite honestly, I think if did a good detox, and I mean a really good detox – raw foods and/or juices, colonics, herbs, the whole shebang, that I would recapture that energy I’ve been dreaming about for the past nine years. In some ways I’m ready, but in other ways I’m not. I still have mental block issues over what I “might” be missing. So I’m still trying to mentally remind myself about all of the fabulous things I stand to gain, an increase in energy being just one of them.
I chronicled my last raw food detox, or at least a few days of it last year, but I think the next time I do a detox I will really put my best foot forward and go all or nuthin! I’ll keep you posted on when I decide to take that journey, but for now, I’m going to head to bed and get some much needed rest!
In Celebration,
{siggy}
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About five years ago a colleague, whom I also consider a friend, shared with me how she had reached a point in her marriage when she was ready to walk away from it all and they had been married at the time for over 10 years.
This woman is smart, confident, successful, attractive, well-liked and a leader in her community. She’s a best-selling author, motivational speaker, success coach and loving mom. One would easily assume that based on all of the positive attributes in her life that her marriage was equally fulfilling, but that wasn’t the case.
She said that as the years went by in their marriage they had begun to grow apart. Being the success coach that she is, she was always ready to take action and move things to the next level, her husband was not. He was comfortable with the familiar and saw no need to change. This caused her spirit to be uneasy because part of her wanted to grow, blossom and expand, yet another part of her didn’t want to do that if it meant putting her marriage in jeopardy. So for a long time she went against the desires of her spirit and stayed in that “comfortable place” – which honestly was no longer comfortable – for the sake of her marriage.
She said for months she wrestled with the thoughts in her head and heart about whether she should stay in her marriage or leave. She thought about her children, her husband, their families and friends. She played out the scenario of splitting assets, moving into a new home, joint custody and therapy. She meditated and prayed for guidance on how to handle this situation so that it could end with the best possible outcome for everyone. Finally, she decided that she had to do what was best for her.
The decision didn’t come easily she said. She felt guilty about how her choice to put her needs first would affect others. But she also had to remind herself that her intentions were not to purposely hurt anyone else but to make herself happy…even though hurt feelings would naturally be a byproduct of her decision. Yet in the end, she decided to follow the call of her inner spirit to grow, blossom and expand, even if it meant doing those things without her husband. In her mind, divorce was just around the corner and she was preparing for it.
She slowly began doing things that honored her and made her feel good. Some things were small and simple but they meant the world to her. The biggest shift in her decision to honor self however, came in the form of an invitation to a party.
Every year she and her husband were invited to a costume party that friends of theirs held at their home. Every year she wanted to go….he didn’t. Every year, they wouldn’t attend, only to hear how much fun they had missed. This particular year she had decided to leave her husband in order to make herself happy, the invitation arrived in the mail. But this time instead of “asking” him if they were going, she “told him” that the annual party was approaching and that she was going. That was that!
Weeks went by and her husband hadn’t said two words about the impending party. She had already purchased her outfit and was extremely excited about going. The day before the party she was out running errands and had called home to check on her kids. Her oldest, a then “tween”, answered and they chatted a bit then she asked, “Where’s Daddy?” Her child replied “Out looking for something to wear to the party tomorrow.” She was stunned!
Not only did her husband find something to wear, he attended the party and together, they had a ball. From that point forward their marriage experienced a dramatic shift and they rediscovered each other and remain happy. But here’s why….
When she had made up her mind to make herself happy and leave her husband, she started putting herself first. A change was taking place within her. They were small, subtle changes but big enough to cause a ripple in her husband’s awareness. And as she told me, “Kitara, when I stepped into the woman I am supposed to be, my husband stepped up to keep up.” And she went on to tell me that a male mentor of hers told her “When you stop being a little girl and become a woman, your husband will stop being a little boy and become a man”.
Her husband realized that his wife was growing to a new level. She was playing big and if he didn’t step up his game he was going to lose her. So instead of denying what was going on, he embraced it full on and did what he needed to do to save his marriage. Could it have gone the other way? Of course! She could have ended up divorced – but she still would’ve been happy because she was honoring herself.
The whole point here ladies is that so long as it does not intentionally hurt another or yourself, it is okay to do what you have to do to make yourself happy. In fact, you should do what makes you happy! Yes, hurt feelings may be a byproduct of your decision, but purposely hurting another is not your intention, experiencing joy and answering the call of your inner spirit is.
Many of us teeter along saying “I wish I were happy” or “I just want to be happy!” but we haven’t truly decided to be happy. Make the decision to be happy. Step into it, embrace it and own your happiness. It is yours after all and no one else can truly make you happy for true happiness is found within. So do something good for yourself….do YOU.
In Celebration,
Dining Out….
Choosing to live a healthy lifestyle can certainly curtail the pleasures of eating out regularly, be it breakfast, lunch or dinner.
It seems like a lifetime ago, but I remember eating out without nary a care of how the food was prepared, whether it was fried and smothered in some type of heavy sauce, loaded with cheese or oozing with sugar. Ahh yes, gone are the good ole days when I would meet with friends to eat out and enjoy savory appetizers, a fat-laden meal, a cocktail or two and dessert. Sometimes it was all-you-can-eat brunch. Sometimes it was lunch and then dinner later…it didn’t matter.
When my husband and I met things didn’t change much. We ate out with friends, indulged in Friday night free-for-alls with an extra large pizza, root beer, chocolate chip cookies and a movie. The next morning we’d feast on grits, eggs, biscuits, sausage and/or bacon and juice. Later we’d have lunch and then dinner. There were no boundaries. We have photos to prove how our lackadaisical approach to nutrition manifested in packed on pounds…..but I won’t share those! ; )
Things are VERY different now. We eat clean six days a week and allow ourselves one “free” day a week to eat a bit more freely….though we don’t go buck wild with it. We exercise 5-6 days a week and it is extremely rare that we eat out during the week. We even plan our free days to accommodate special events like the upcoming Super Bowl. If we end up at a party we’ll move our normal Saturday free day to Sunday, because what fun is it to be at a Super Bowl party and not enjoy all of the calorie rich appetizers? That’s half the fun!
I do miss eating out more frequently, but I do not miss the extra 20 or so pounds that accompanied that footloose and fancy free lifestyle. By me cooking 99% of our meals I know exactly what is going into our bodies…I have complete control and I like it better that way. By using ingredients like sea salt, agave nectar and coconut oil in my regular cooking regime I know that I’m giving my family some of the healthiest ingredients nature has to offer and that makes me feel good. We may not be indulging our unhealthy cravings on a daily basis, but we are blessing our bodies and showing our kids a lifestyle (through example) that won’t manifest into childhood diabetes or obesity, and a lifestyle that will certainly not fail them in their adult years. So, here’s to good health!
In Celebration,
Poetry Readings….
Back in 1997 a movie well before its time called Love Jones starring Larenz Tate and Nia Long was released. 
Me and my girl Dana saw the movie and were instantly hooked. It was a comedy/tear-jerk girl-meets-boy-girl-falls-for-boy-boy-and-girl-afraid-of-love-and-split-boy-and-girl-admit-they-love-each-other-in-the-end. You know…the typical plot you wish would happen in your life if you’re single. Well, that was us back then.
But, aside from the fact that we’re hopeless romantics, one of the main inanimate charters of the movie was poetry. The film was set in Chicago and all of the main and supporting characters liked to hang out in a local club that featured a house jazz band and spoken word or “performance poetry”.
I remember watching that movie over and over once it was available for purchase and wishing there were places like that in the Bay Area. I had always heard how culturally rich Chicago is and longed for even a small slice of that in my own stomping grounds. Luckily, for a brief fleeting moment a little spot in Oakland did in fact start a spoken word night on Tuesdays I believe, and me, Dana and oftentimes other girlfriends would gather together at this little bar to be enlightened and entertained by local poets and hip-hop artist wannabes.
We always had a great time and as a writer I used to secretly wish that I had the nerve to get up on stage, grab the mic and share my thoughts with the crowd. But I was never that bold…and didn’t think too many people would care much about the man I was pining over at the time which was then the driving force behind all of my poetic attempts.
Yet and still, even after I met my husband Love Jones was and is still a great movie (the soundtrack is equally good), and I just think there is something very cool about adults gathering together and sharing their creative flow while some smooth and sultry tunes play in the background. A nice Appletini on the side wouldn’t hurt either!
I dunno, maybe it’s just the artsy-fartsy nature in me that is drawn to things like that. Whatever it is, I miss it, and something like that would make for a great date night with hubby. In the meantime though, I think I’ll go through my movie stash and pull out my VHS copy (yikes!) of Love Jones and pop it in…see if I can remember some of the lines I had memorized at one point and have a good laugh, and yes, probably a good cry too. You know, just for hopeless romantic old time’s sake.
In Celebration,
{siggy}
Eyebrow Shaping, Manicures, Pedicures and Professional Hair Services….
Well, these go right along with the shopping I shared about last week. This one is really about the pampering that I used to treat myself to on a regular basis.
As part of my regular upkeep I had bi-weekly appointments for my nails and toes…back then it was acrylics or gel nails and during those same appointments I would have my eyebrows shaped. Right before I had my son I stopped getting the acrylics (I was worried about poking or scratching him with the long nails, and I used to get them long) and converted to regular manicures and pedicures. I used to go bi-weekly for my hair services but then started going weekly.
Aside from having a great sense of self-care, the entire process was truly therapeutic. It felt good to sit back and have someone take good care of me. I knew that the people I entrusted my hair and body to were committed to their craft. I wasn’t going to get out of their chairs until they were completely satisfied with their work. This meant a lot to me because I knew they cared about how good I looked as much as I did, I was after all a walking advertisement for their work. And this isn’t about being conceited, but it’s about knowing that I was doing what made me happy in my efforts to exude a healthy outer appearance.
Probably one of my favorite aspects of these regular services, aside from the amazing hand, foot and head massages that normally came with the services, ahhhhh, were the relationships built over time. When you start seeing the same people for services over and over you begin to get to know each other and build a friendship that you come to appreciate. I remember my nail lady Susan and how she used to tell funny stories and jokes. My favorite hair stylist hands down was my best friend from high school, Camille.
Camille and I shared a lot together and as the years progressed after high school we weren’t as close as we once were. But I always looked forward to my appointments with her because there was usually good conversation, and of course, amazing hair. Camille is truly gifted when it comes to her ability to not just style your hair but take care of it and keep it healthy. I always loved my styles from her and I loved how healthy and strong my hair was. At the beginning of this post is a photo from back in the day after Camille had worked her magic before I stopped relaxing my hair, with freshly waxed brows to boot.
If you live in the Northern California Bay Area you should check her out. She owns her own salon called Mildred’s Place in Concord. I’m really proud of her and I miss Camille as much as I miss my regular pampering services.
So why have all of these services stopped? A couple of reasons. 1. Pretty much the same reason I don’t shop like I used to – we’re living on one salary. We’re not struggling by any means, but those luxury items add up quickly. So, when I can get around to it, I do my nails and toes myself. Perhaps I should schedule regular appointments with myself just as I used to schedule regular appointments in the salon?? 2. I stopped relaxing my hair back in 2006. So far everyplace we’ve lived I have not been able to find a stylist who specializes in naturally curly hair who can not only give a good cut, but style my hair according to its needs. I have tight, coily curls. They cannot be managed, manipulated and styled the same way as someone with with looser curls. I tried it once and while she gave me a good cut, I didn’t like how she styled my hair. So, I take full control of my hair care, and I do a pretty good job.
I’ve vowed to make 2010 a bigger, better, badder and bolder year for me and my family. Once I start making those things come to fruition, I’ll be back to my regular mani/pedi appointments. Since the hair issue is null and void for me, perhaps I’ll replace that luxury with regular facials or massages. I’m already off to a good start, I had my eyebrows shaped last week! Do something good for yourself this week, you deserve it!
In Celebration,
Yesterday I began a two-part post on why it is important to have friendships outside of your marriage based on advice I shared with a friend last December after finding out her husband had been unfaithful. She shared her pain with me and then asked me two very important questions as she was trying to deal with the reality of her situation. Part one of this topic addressed the first question she asked me, and today I will address part two. I have changed their names to protect their identities and privacy. Here we go….
How
does one get over feeling like when the other goes out that the one going
out doesn’t love or care for the other as much?
Relationships
that revolve solely around each other with little to no outside interaction
with others are unhealthy and emotionally dangerous. The challenge people
face in these types of relationships is that they do not allow themselves the time
and space away from each other in order to appreciate each other more. When disagreements
and frustrations arise, there are no outlets to turn to to vent frustrations
and seek advice. And when and if one party suddenly takes up interests outside
of the relationship, that leaves the other person feeling abandoned, suspicious
and lost. Their mind becomes playground to a host of insecurities and oftentimes
repeated arguments become common because the person left behind is usually
the one asking a lot of accusatory questions, placing blame and trying to smother
the other person with false affection in fear of being abandoned completely for
their new “interests”.
When
it comes to feelings of abandonment and suspicion when your spouse takes up new
interests, it is important to first evaluate your value of self worth. Your
spouse’s new interests may be genuine and completely innocent, or they could be
the cover up for a secret that could damage your marriage. Either way, how you feel
about yourself can make or break the situation.
If
you are someone who has a strong sense of self and who values and indulges in “me”
time away from your spouse and kids, then your partner taking in new interests
that don’t always include you, or hanging with friends occasionally wouldn’t be
intimidating in the least. After all, spa days and shopping with your
girlfriends are equivalent
to a day of golf or buffalo wings and beer at the local sports bar with friends
after work for your husband.
However,
if you are a woman who has lost touch with who she is and who doesn’t know
how to enjoy and appreciate life unless your husband is involved and feels inadequate
on numerous levels, before you wonder if your husband has stopped loving
you, you have to ask when did you stop loving yourself?
Time
and time again, stories of women across the globe tell of how love eluded them for
years and it wasn’t until they learned how to fall in love with themselves, did
the door
open and external love came rushing in.
As
women it is in our nature to nurture and comfort everyone around us, neglecting ourselves
because we feel it is our duty to take care of everything and everyone else first.
However, it is the duty we are truly called to the most that we neglect, and
that is
the duty of self-care.
Before
there was him, there was just you. Before it was “we”, it was
“me”. Even now in
the stillness of your mind there is only you. Loving you and putting you first
does not
mean neglecting your loved ones. Loving yourself could be as easy as looking you
in the mirror daily and saying “I love you” and truly mean it.
Putting you first could
mean that for an hour each afternoon, or even once a week, you require your children
to retreat to their rooms for quiet time so that you can indulge in a relaxing hot
bath before you begin dinner, homework and bedtime routines. This simple act of escape
can calm you and help move you through the rest of your night feeling more balanced,
centered and patient.
How
do you get over these negative feelings and move into a place of inner comfort and
security that sustains you and helps you appreciate you?
1.
Get in touch with who you were before you met your husband. Recall things you
used to like to do, places you liked to go, hobbies you enjoyed and the friends
you had. What did you believe in? How did you envision yourself as a married
woman? Are you living that vision? If not, what is different and how far is it
from the life you pictured years ago?
2.
Assess who you are now. You are more than just a chauffeur, cook, maid, nurse,
secretary and sex partner. Leaving all of the titles behind, who are you as a
woman? Are you being who you were meant to be?
3.
Step into who you are meant to be. Decide based on who you were before you met
your husband and who you are now, who you will be from this point forward.
4.
Create interests and opportunities that do not involve your husband. This doesn’t
mean go out and create a new life, but it does mean “getting a life”.
Start getting regular manicures, go out to lunch with girlfriends or create a girls
night and go to dinner and a chick flick. Enjoy reading? Join a book club. Like
scrapbooking? Get involved with a scrapper group. Fancy the ballet? Take up an
adult ballet course. Seek out and enjoy those things that are of interest to
you.
5.
Fall in love with you. If you haven’t done it lately, undress to your birthday suit
and check yourself out in the mirror. Really stand there and take you in. Look
at you from every angle and observe every line, curve, scar, roll, discoloration,
lopsided or even missing boob, bunion, wide nose, stained teeth, graying hair,
everything, WITHOUT JUDGMENT. Just observe. Once you’ve taken everything in, to
those parts of you that you normally don’t like, place your hand over that body
part, scar, or whatever it is, look in the mirror and say “Thighs (or
whatever the appropriate part), I love you. I love you and appreciate you just
as you are.” Do this for every part of your body that isn’t pleasing to
you. Once you’ve completed that step, stand and look at you in the eye and say
“I love you YOUR NAME. I love you just the way you are”. Keep
repeating it until you believe it. And from that point forward make it a habit
each and everyday to tell yourself just how much you love yourself.
6.
Make a spiritual connection. Turn inward and connect with your source of infinite
power. God, Allah, Creator, Universe, Yahweh – whatever and however you choose
to address your higher source is perfect. Know that there is an ever loving
power that supports and guides you and only desires your greatest good. All you
have to do is ask for help. Getting in touch with your spirituality brings
calm, peace and a knowing sense that no matter what, all is well.
Once
you can get back in touch with you are and who you are meant to be, regardless
to what your spouse does you will always have the love of self. This isn’t to
suggest that if in fact your husband’s affections towards you have changed and your
marriage dissolves that it will not hurt or be challenging. Do expect it to
hurt, and
do expect it to be emotionally difficult. But do also expect that because you
were able
to get back in touch with the essence of you, those things that you love and enjoy
will still be there to fulfill you as you transition into this new phase of
your life.
After reading my response to her, here is what she had to say:
“Hi
Kitara!
Thanks
so much for answering my questions. You really put a lot of thought
into them and they made me think to the point of tears. Your answers
were right on point and it’s almost like God is speaking through
you to me. Michael and I have only been married for 5 years but yet
Brenda is just now really grasping and learning what a marriage is, shouldn’t
be what should take place with me and what shouldn’t. Getting self
books now that I feel should have been read before I entered into such
a spiritual bond. Allowing God to minister in this marriage now when
he should have been here all along. I’m happy that I’m learning now,
but if I would have known then what I know now I feel like it could
have saved me a lot of heart ache. The
trials and tribulations that I am going through will only make me stronger
in the end. While going through the trials you feel as though there
is not a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so lost and confused
at times. Almost like a walking zombie, but I will soon get out of that and I will be fine.”
Now a year later, I am happy to share that Brenda and Michael are still together, happy and working on their marriage as a team. She admits to having “down moments” when she remembers the pain she experienced last year, but she is renewed by the joint commitment they both now have to making their marriage last.
And that brings me to my next and final point. I was involved in an online discussion this morning over at LifeTwo.com and it was on the topic of a woman who has decided to leave her marriage. I responded yesterday with some comments and questions and another reader replied back this morning stating that I gave “bad” advice. I didn’t take offense to it, but instead responded by saying:
“My advice is just that – advice – doesn’t make it right or wrong
depending on who’s reading it and their take on things, it just is.
Take what works and dump the rest, and if none of it works, that’s
great too! “
At the end of the day, people are going to do what they feel is in
their best interest regardless to the advice that is thrown their way.
I don’t have all the answers, in this case I may not have any. I just
come from a place of trying to help. My prayer each day is that I can
help a minimum of one person in some way. If I missed something, then
perhaps this isn’t the person I was meant to help and that just means
there’s someone else out there waiting for my help. Could be a smile, a
kind word, or helping someone a little shorter than me reach an item on
a tall shelf at the grocery store. However I am meant to help, my goal
is to do it with love and kindness. I won’t always get it right, but I
will always keep trying.”
I shared that to say this ladies, my objective is to help. If you can get just one tiny nugget from all of the many things that I share on this site, then I’ve done my job. Take what you need and leave the rest as it may be useful to someone else. Take care!
In Celebration,
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