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Vivianne’s Vista: The Beginning of the End- Part 1.

This woman is smart, confident, successful, attractive, well-liked and a leader in her community. She’s a best-selling author, motivational speaker, success coach and loving mom. One would easily assume that based on all of the positive attributes in her life that her marriage was equally fulfilling, but that wasn’t the case.

She said that as the years went by in their marriage they had begun to grow apart. Being the success coach that she is, she was always ready to take action and move things to the next level, her husband was not. He was comfortable with the familiar and saw no need to change. This caused her spirit to be uneasy because part of her wanted to grow, blossom and expand, yet another part of her didn’t want to do that if it meant putting her marriage in jeopardy. So for a long time she went against the desires of her spirit and stayed in that “comfortable place” – which honestly was no longer comfortable – for the sake of her marriage.

She said for months she wrestled with the thoughts in her head and heart about whether she should stay in her marriage or leave. She thought about her children, her husband, their families and friends. She played out the scenario of splitting assets, moving into a new home, joint custody and therapy. She meditated and prayed for guidance on how to handle this situation so that it could end with the best possible outcome for everyone. Finally, she decided that she had to do what was best for her.

The decision didn’t come easily she said. She felt guilty about how her choice to put her needs first would affect others. But she also had to remind herself that her intentions were not to purposely hurt anyone else but to make herself happy…even though hurt feelings would naturally be a byproduct of her decision. Yet in the end, she decided to follow the call of her inner spirit to grow, blossom and expand, even if it meant doing those things without her husband. In her mind, divorce was just around the corner and she was preparing for it.

She slowly began doing things that honored her and made her feel good. Some things were small and simple but they meant the world to her. The biggest shift in her decision to honor self however, came in the form of an invitation to a party.

Every year she and her husband were invited to a costume party that friends of theirs held at their home. Every year she wanted to go….he didn’t. Every year, they wouldn’t attend, only to hear how much fun they had missed. This particular year she had decided to leave her husband in order to make herself happy, the invitation arrived in the mail. But this time instead of “asking” him if they were going, she “told him” that the annual party was approaching and that she was going. That was that!

Weeks went by and her husband hadn’t said two words about the impending party. She had already purchased her outfit and was extremely excited about going. The day before the party she was out running errands and had called home to check on her kids. Her oldest, a then “tween”, answered and they chatted a bit then she asked, “Where’s Daddy?” Her child replied “Out looking for something to wear to the party tomorrow.” She was stunned!

Not only did her husband find something to wear, he attended the party and together, they had a ball. From that point forward their marriage experienced a dramatic shift and they rediscovered each other and remain happy. But here’s why….

When she had made up her mind to make herself happy and leave her husband, she started putting herself first. A change was taking place within her. They were small, subtle changes but big enough to cause a ripple in her husband’s awareness. And as she told me, “Kitara, when I stepped into the woman I am supposed to be, my husband stepped up to keep up.” And she went on to tell me that a male mentor of hers told her “When you stop being a little girl and become a woman, your husband will stop being a little boy and become a man”.

Her husband realized that his wife was growing to a new level. She was playing big and if he didn’t step up his game he was going to lose her. So instead of denying what was going on, he embraced it full on and did what he needed to do to save his marriage.  Could it have gone the other way? Of course! She could have ended up divorced – but she still would’ve been happy because she was honoring herself.

The whole point here ladies is that so long as it does not intentionally hurt another or yourself, it is okay to do what you have to do to make yourself happy. In fact, you should do what makes you happy! Yes, hurt feelings may be a byproduct of your decision, but purposely hurting another is not your intention, experiencing joy and answering the call of your inner spirit is.

Many of us teeter along saying “I wish I were happy” or “I just want to be happy!” but we haven’t truly decided to be happy. Make the decision to be happy. Step into it, embrace it and own your happiness. It is yours after all and no one else can truly make you happy for true happiness is found within. So do something good for yourself….do YOU.

In Celebration,

How
does one get over feeling like when the other goes out that the one going
out doesn’t love or care for the other as much?

Relationships
that revolve solely around each other with little to no outside interaction
with others are unhealthy and emotionally dangerous. The challenge people
face in these types of relationships is that they do not allow themselves the time
and space away from each other in order to appreciate each other more. When disagreements
and frustrations arise, there are no outlets to turn to to vent frustrations
and seek advice. And when and if one party suddenly takes up interests outside
of the relationship, that leaves the other person feeling abandoned, suspicious
and lost. Their mind becomes playground to a host of insecurities and oftentimes
repeated arguments become common because the person left behind is usually
the one asking a lot of accusatory questions, placing blame and trying to smother
the other person with false affection in fear of being abandoned completely for
their new “interests”.

When
it comes to feelings of abandonment and suspicion when your spouse takes up new
interests, it is important to first evaluate your value of self worth. Your
spouse’s new interests may be genuine and completely innocent, or they could be
the cover up for a secret that could damage your marriage. Either way, how you feel
about yourself can make or break the situation.

If
you are someone who has a strong sense of self and who values and indulges in “me”
time away from your spouse and kids, then your partner taking in new interests
that don’t always include you, or hanging with friends occasionally wouldn’t be
intimidating in the least. After all, spa days and shopping with your
girlfriends are equivalent
to a day of golf or buffalo wings and beer at the local sports bar with friends
after work for your husband.

However,
if you are a woman who has lost touch with who she is and who doesn’t know
how to enjoy and appreciate life unless your husband is involved and feels inadequate
on numerous levels, before you wonder if your husband has stopped loving
you, you have to ask when did you stop loving yourself?

Time
and time again, stories of women across the globe tell of how love eluded them for
years and it wasn’t until they learned how to fall in love with themselves, did
the door
open and external love came rushing in.

As
women it is in our nature to nurture and comfort everyone around us, neglecting ourselves
because we feel it is our duty to take care of everything and everyone else first.
However, it is the duty we are truly called to the most that we neglect, and
that is
the duty of self-care.

Before
there was him, there was just you. Before it was “we”, it was
“me”. Even now in
the stillness of your mind there is only you. Loving you and putting you first
does not
mean neglecting your loved ones. Loving yourself could be as easy as looking you
in the mirror daily and saying “I love you” and truly mean it.
Putting you first could
mean that for an hour each afternoon, or even once a week, you require your children
to retreat to their rooms for quiet time so that you can indulge in a relaxing hot
bath before you begin dinner, homework and bedtime routines. This simple act of escape
can calm you and help move you through the rest of your night feeling more balanced,
centered and patient.

How
do you get over these negative feelings and move into a place of inner comfort and
security that sustains you and helps you appreciate you?

1.
Get in touch with who you were before you met your husband. Recall things you
used to like to do, places you liked to go, hobbies you enjoyed and the friends
you had. What did you believe in? How did you envision yourself as a married
woman? Are you living that vision? If not, what is different and how far is it
from the life you pictured years ago?

2.
Assess who you are now. You are more than just a chauffeur, cook, maid, nurse,
secretary and sex partner. Leaving all of the titles behind, who are you as a
woman? Are you being who you were meant to be?

3.
Step into who you are meant to be. Decide based on who you were before you met
your husband and who you are now, who you will be from this point forward.

4.
Create interests and opportunities that do not involve your husband. This doesn’t
mean go out and create a new life, but it does mean “getting a life”.
Start getting regular manicures, go out to lunch with girlfriends or create a girls
night and go to dinner and a chick flick. Enjoy reading? Join a book club. Like
scrapbooking? Get involved with a scrapper group. Fancy the ballet? Take up an
adult ballet course. Seek out and enjoy those things that are of interest to
you.

5.
Fall in love with you. If you haven’t done it lately, undress to your birthday suit
and check yourself out in the mirror. Really stand there and take you in. Look
at you from every angle and observe every line, curve, scar, roll, discoloration,
lopsided or even missing boob, bunion, wide nose, stained teeth, graying hair,
everything, WITHOUT JUDGMENT. Just observe. Once you’ve taken everything in, to
those parts of you that you normally don’t like, place your hand over that body
part, scar, or whatever it is, look in the mirror and say “Thighs (or
whatever the appropriate part), I love you. I love you and appreciate you just
as you are.” Do this for every part of your body that isn’t pleasing to
you. Once you’ve completed that step, stand and look at you in the eye and say
“I love you YOUR NAME. I love you just the way you are”. Keep
repeating it until you believe it. And from that point forward make it a habit
each and everyday to tell yourself just how much you love yourself.

6.
Make a spiritual connection. Turn inward and connect with your source of infinite
power. God, Allah, Creator, Universe, Yahweh – whatever and however you choose
to address your higher source is perfect. Know that there is an ever loving
power that supports and guides you and only desires your greatest good. All you
have to do is ask for help. Getting in touch with your spirituality brings
calm, peace and a knowing sense that no matter what, all is well.

Once
you can get back in touch with you are and who you are meant to be, regardless
to what your spouse does you will always have the love of self. This isn’t to
suggest that if in fact your husband’s affections towards you have changed and your
marriage dissolves that it will not hurt or be challenging. Do expect it to
hurt, and
do expect it to be emotionally difficult. But do also expect that because you
were able
to get back in touch with the essence of you, those things that you love and enjoy
will still be there to fulfill you as you transition into this new phase of
your life.

After reading my response to her, here is what she had to say:

“Hi
Kitara!

Thanks
so much for answering my questions. You really put a lot of thought
into them and they made me think to the point of tears. Your answers
were right on point and it’s almost like God is speaking through
you to me. Michael and I have only been married for 5 years but yet
Brenda is just now really grasping and learning what a marriage is, shouldn’t
be what should take place with me and what shouldn’t. Getting self
books now that I feel should have been read before I entered into such
a spiritual bond. Allowing God to minister in this marriage now when
he should have been here all along. I’m happy that I’m learning now,
but if I would have known then what I know now I feel like it could
have saved me a lot of heart ache. The
trials and tribulations that I am going through will only make me stronger
in the end. While going through the trials you feel as though there
is not a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so lost and confused
at times. Almost like a walking zombie, but I will soon get out of that and I will be fine.”

Now a year later, I am happy to share that Brenda and Michael are still together, happy and working on their marriage as a team. She admits to having “down moments” when she remembers the pain she experienced last year, but she is renewed by the joint commitment they both now have to making their marriage last.

And that brings me to my next and final point. I was involved in an online discussion this morning over at LifeTwo.com and it was on the topic of a woman who has decided to leave her marriage. I responded yesterday with some comments and questions and another reader replied back this morning stating that I gave “bad” advice. I didn’t take offense to it, but instead responded by saying:

“My advice is just that – advice – doesn’t make it right or wrong
depending on who’s reading it and their take on things, it just is.
Take what works and dump the rest, and if none of it works, that’s
great too! “

At the end of the day, people are going to do what they feel is in
their best interest regardless to the advice that is thrown their way.
I don’t have all the answers, in this case I may not have any. I just
come from a place of trying to help. My prayer each day is that I can
help a minimum of one person in some way. If I missed something, then
perhaps this isn’t the person I was meant to help and that just means
there’s someone else out there waiting for my help. Could be a smile, a
kind word, or helping someone a little shorter than me reach an item on
a tall shelf at the grocery store. However I am meant to help, my goal
is to do it with love and kindness. I won’t always get it right, but I
will always keep trying.”

I shared that to say this ladies, my objective is to help. If you can get just one tiny nugget from all of the many things that I share on this site, then I’ve done my job. Take what you need and leave the rest as it may be useful to someone else. Take care!

In Celebration,

After
much crying and soul searching, she decided to fight for her marriage. While still
emotionally difficult and battling feelings of guilt over what she could have
done wrong to cause him to step outside of the vows they made before God and her judgment
to trust anything he says, she remained steadfast in her decision to stand firm for her marriage.

Shortly
after learning about the affairs she sent me two text messages asking for my
advice. As soon as I read the questions I knew that they were questions that
could not and should not be responded to via cell phone text messaging
technology. And because her husband had been home a lot lately, I also knew it
would not be wise to call her. So, I did the next best thing, I e-mailed her.

Before
I actually sat down to reply to her, thoughts started forming in my head, so many
that I felt as if I were about to give an answer in a column. I strongly believe that
was what I was being guided to do, so that is how I answered her two questions.
Once I sat down and began to write, everything flowed out of me so quickly
that at times I couldn’t type fast enough to keep up with my own thoughts.

The
following is part one of the questions she asked me, my answers, and the reply
she sent to me after reading them. I’ve changed her and her husband’s names to
protect their identities and privacy.

How
important is outside friendship in a marriage? Does ensuring friendships
on the outside make for a healthy balance in the marriage?

Outside
friendships can be very healthy and fulfilling to married couples. Both individual
and couple friendships help to bring balance and fresh perspective. In fact, I
daresay it is required in a marriage, or any intimate relationship, to have the positive
influence of friends.

Both
old and new friends bring value to your life. Old friends know you well and sometimes
longer than your spouse, and therefore can keep you in touch with who you
are as an individual. New friends balance out old friends by introducing you to new
experiences and ways of thinking. The connection with both the old and new helps
you to see who you have been and who you would like to become as a complete
expression of your individuality.

Communing
with other married couples is also very important in a relationship, especially
when you have married friends at various stages in their relationships. You can
learn a great deal from someone who has been married 10 – 20 years longer than
you have. But, it doesn’t mean that you cannot learn from and appreciate the advice
lent by someone newly married, or who has been married the same length of time
as you.

The
most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to having other married couples
as friends is that you share something in common. There is a conversation and
an understanding amongst married couples that your still single friends cannot appreciate.
The same is true of married couples with children. It is difficult to discuss parenting
frustrations with couples who are not parents.

When
you are faced with a challenge in your marriage, or even a minor squabble, being
able to talk it through with other married folk who understand and know where you
are coming from is one of the greatest forms of therapy available. You may not agree
with everything that is offered up on the table, but nothing beats the advice of someone
who knows from firsthand experience.

Probably
one of the greatest assets of having other married couples as friends, in addition
to bonding with others who share similar views and interests, is that by being
around and observing other couples, you have the opportunity to see aspects of
things that could be missing, should be eliminated or should stay the same in your own
marriage. Every friendship brings with it an opportunity to learn and grow.

With
regards to non-couple friendships outside of the marriage, there are limits and boundaries
that shouldn’t be crossed. At the point when you met your mate there were
probably friends that existed before you came into each others’ lives, some of them
being the opposite sex. If those were true friendships that were not tainted by any
type of sexual interaction, then it is safe to bring those friendships with you into your
new relationship.

It is
also equally safe to create new bonds along the way with both the same and opposite
sex and introduce them into the fold of your marriage. This is usually most common
in workplace situations where co-workers become good friends. As you share
your experiences about work with your spouse, also talk about the new friend, or
friends you’ve made and how much you have in common. Some of the best friends
are created through workplace experiences.

By
talking openly about your friends, old and new, male and female, and even inviting
them to spend time with you and your spouse lowers the guard of suspicion. Openly
sharing your friends sends the message, “I have nothing to hide and my heart
is only with you”. On
the other hand, however, it is dangerous to create friendships that are kept in secret.

Even if the friendship is strictly platonic and there are no sexual feelings on either
side, if your partner ever found out about this person the level of trust they once
had for you would be violated because you were never open about your new friend.
Again, even if the friendship is nonsexual, if you don’t bring that friend into your
partner’s awareness, even if only by talking about them, you run the risk of appearing
as if you have something to hide once they do find out about your new friend.

Tomorrow I will share part II on this topic. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day and don’t forget to take the free Early Midlife Assessment if you haven’t already over at www.kitarawilson.com.

In Celebration,