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Why Friendships are Important in a Marriage – Part II

December 22, 2009 By 4 Comments

Yesterday I began a two-part post on why it is important to have friendships outside of your marriage based on advice I shared with a friend last December after finding out her husband had been unfaithful. She shared her pain with me and then asked me two very important questions as she was trying to deal with the reality of her situation. Part one of this topic addressed the first question she asked me, and today I will address part two. I have changed their names to protect their identities and privacy. Here we go….

How
does one get over feeling like when the other goes out that the one going
out doesn’t love or care for the other as much?

Relationships
that revolve solely around each other with little to no outside interaction
with others are unhealthy and emotionally dangerous. The challenge people
face in these types of relationships is that they do not allow themselves the time
and space away from each other in order to appreciate each other more. When disagreements
and frustrations arise, there are no outlets to turn to to vent frustrations
and seek advice. And when and if one party suddenly takes up interests outside
of the relationship, that leaves the other person feeling abandoned, suspicious
and lost. Their mind becomes playground to a host of insecurities and oftentimes
repeated arguments become common because the person left behind is usually
the one asking a lot of accusatory questions, placing blame and trying to smother
the other person with false affection in fear of being abandoned completely for
their new “interests”.

When
it comes to feelings of abandonment and suspicion when your spouse takes up new
interests, it is important to first evaluate your value of self worth. Your
spouse’s new interests may be genuine and completely innocent, or they could be
the cover up for a secret that could damage your marriage. Either way, how you feel
about yourself can make or break the situation.

If
you are someone who has a strong sense of self and who values and indulges in “me”
time away from your spouse and kids, then your partner taking in new interests
that don’t always include you, or hanging with friends occasionally wouldn’t be
intimidating in the least. After all, spa days and shopping with your
girlfriends are equivalent
to a day of golf or buffalo wings and beer at the local sports bar with friends
after work for your husband.

However,
if you are a woman who has lost touch with who she is and who doesn’t know
how to enjoy and appreciate life unless your husband is involved and feels inadequate
on numerous levels, before you wonder if your husband has stopped loving
you, you have to ask when did you stop loving yourself?

Time
and time again, stories of women across the globe tell of how love eluded them for
years and it wasn’t until they learned how to fall in love with themselves, did
the door
open and external love came rushing in.

As
women it is in our nature to nurture and comfort everyone around us, neglecting ourselves
because we feel it is our duty to take care of everything and everyone else first.
However, it is the duty we are truly called to the most that we neglect, and
that is
the duty of self-care.

Before
there was him, there was just you. Before it was “we”, it was
“me”. Even now in
the stillness of your mind there is only you. Loving you and putting you first
does not
mean neglecting your loved ones. Loving yourself could be as easy as looking you
in the mirror daily and saying “I love you” and truly mean it.
Putting you first could
mean that for an hour each afternoon, or even once a week, you require your children
to retreat to their rooms for quiet time so that you can indulge in a relaxing hot
bath before you begin dinner, homework and bedtime routines. This simple act of escape
can calm you and help move you through the rest of your night feeling more balanced,
centered and patient.

How
do you get over these negative feelings and move into a place of inner comfort and
security that sustains you and helps you appreciate you?

1.
Get in touch with who you were before you met your husband. Recall things you
used to like to do, places you liked to go, hobbies you enjoyed and the friends
you had. What did you believe in? How did you envision yourself as a married
woman? Are you living that vision? If not, what is different and how far is it
from the life you pictured years ago?

2.
Assess who you are now. You are more than just a chauffeur, cook, maid, nurse,
secretary and sex partner. Leaving all of the titles behind, who are you as a
woman? Are you being who you were meant to be?

3.
Step into who you are meant to be. Decide based on who you were before you met
your husband and who you are now, who you will be from this point forward.

4.
Create interests and opportunities that do not involve your husband. This doesn’t
mean go out and create a new life, but it does mean “getting a life”.
Start getting regular manicures, go out to lunch with girlfriends or create a girls
night and go to dinner and a chick flick. Enjoy reading? Join a book club. Like
scrapbooking? Get involved with a scrapper group. Fancy the ballet? Take up an
adult ballet course. Seek out and enjoy those things that are of interest to
you.

5.
Fall in love with you. If you haven’t done it lately, undress to your birthday suit
and check yourself out in the mirror. Really stand there and take you in. Look
at you from every angle and observe every line, curve, scar, roll, discoloration,
lopsided or even missing boob, bunion, wide nose, stained teeth, graying hair,
everything, WITHOUT JUDGMENT. Just observe. Once you’ve taken everything in, to
those parts of you that you normally don’t like, place your hand over that body
part, scar, or whatever it is, look in the mirror and say “Thighs (or
whatever the appropriate part), I love you. I love you and appreciate you just
as you are.” Do this for every part of your body that isn’t pleasing to
you. Once you’ve completed that step, stand and look at you in the eye and say
“I love you YOUR NAME. I love you just the way you are”. Keep
repeating it until you believe it. And from that point forward make it a habit
each and everyday to tell yourself just how much you love yourself.

6.
Make a spiritual connection. Turn inward and connect with your source of infinite
power. God, Allah, Creator, Universe, Yahweh – whatever and however you choose
to address your higher source is perfect. Know that there is an ever loving
power that supports and guides you and only desires your greatest good. All you
have to do is ask for help. Getting in touch with your spirituality brings
calm, peace and a knowing sense that no matter what, all is well.

Once
you can get back in touch with you are and who you are meant to be, regardless
to what your spouse does you will always have the love of self. This isn’t to
suggest that if in fact your husband’s affections towards you have changed and your
marriage dissolves that it will not hurt or be challenging. Do expect it to
hurt, and
do expect it to be emotionally difficult. But do also expect that because you
were able
to get back in touch with the essence of you, those things that you love and enjoy
will still be there to fulfill you as you transition into this new phase of
your life.

After reading my response to her, here is what she had to say:

“Hi
Kitara!

Thanks
so much for answering my questions. You really put a lot of thought
into them and they made me think to the point of tears. Your answers
were right on point and it’s almost like God is speaking through
you to me. Michael and I have only been married for 5 years but yet
Brenda is just now really grasping and learning what a marriage is, shouldn’t
be what should take place with me and what shouldn’t. Getting self
books now that I feel should have been read before I entered into such
a spiritual bond. Allowing God to minister in this marriage now when
he should have been here all along. I’m happy that I’m learning now,
but if I would have known then what I know now I feel like it could
have saved me a lot of heart ache. The
trials and tribulations that I am going through will only make me stronger
in the end. While going through the trials you feel as though there
is not a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so lost and confused
at times. Almost like a walking zombie, but I will soon get out of that and I will be fine.”

Now a year later, I am happy to share that Brenda and Michael are still together, happy and working on their marriage as a team. She admits to having “down moments” when she remembers the pain she experienced last year, but she is renewed by the joint commitment they both now have to making their marriage last.

And that brings me to my next and final point. I was involved in an online discussion this morning over at LifeTwo.com and it was on the topic of a woman who has decided to leave her marriage. I responded yesterday with some comments and questions and another reader replied back this morning stating that I gave “bad” advice. I didn’t take offense to it, but instead responded by saying:

“My advice is just that – advice – doesn’t make it right or wrong
depending on who’s reading it and their take on things, it just is.
Take what works and dump the rest, and if none of it works, that’s
great too! “

At the end of the day, people are going to do what they feel is in
their best interest regardless to the advice that is thrown their way.
I don’t have all the answers, in this case I may not have any. I just
come from a place of trying to help. My prayer each day is that I can
help a minimum of one person in some way. If I missed something, then
perhaps this isn’t the person I was meant to help and that just means
there’s someone else out there waiting for my help. Could be a smile, a
kind word, or helping someone a little shorter than me reach an item on
a tall shelf at the grocery store. However I am meant to help, my goal
is to do it with love and kindness. I won’t always get it right, but I
will always keep trying.”

I shared that to say this ladies, my objective is to help. If you can get just one tiny nugget from all of the many things that I share on this site, then I’ve done my job. Take what you need and leave the rest as it may be useful to someone else. Take care!

In Celebration,
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Filed Under: Family Life, Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

The opposite of an MLC – how it’s done. | LifeTwo

December 22, 2009 By Leave a Comment

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via lifetwo.com

An inspiring story told from the perspective of a husband who has fallen head over heels in love with his wife of 20 years all over again because she has committed herself to being the very best she could be despite her age. Loved it!

In Celebration,

Filed Under: Personal Growth, Reconnect With YOU

Why Friendships are Important in a Marriage – Part I

December 21, 2009 By Leave a Comment

Approximately
a year ago, just before the Christmas and New Year holidays, a friend of mine learned that her husband had been unfaithful with several different women during the course of their five year marriage. With one of these women he had grown emotionally attached. They have two young children and she was naturally devastated to learn of his infidelity.


After
much crying and soul searching, she decided to fight for her marriage. While still
emotionally difficult and battling feelings of guilt over what she could have
done wrong to cause him to step outside of the vows they made before God and her judgment
to trust anything he says, she remained steadfast in her decision to stand firm for her marriage.


Shortly
after learning about the affairs she sent me two text messages asking for my
advice. As soon as I read the questions I knew that they were questions that
could not and should not be responded to via cell phone text messaging
technology. And because her husband had been home a lot lately, I also knew it
would not be wise to call her. So, I did the next best thing, I e-mailed her.

Before
I actually sat down to reply to her, thoughts started forming in my head, so many
that I felt as if I were about to give an answer in a column. I strongly believe that
was what I was being guided to do, so that is how I answered her two questions.
Once I sat down and began to write, everything flowed out of me so quickly
that at times I couldn’t type fast enough to keep up with my own thoughts.

The
following is part one of the questions she asked me, my answers, and the reply
she sent to me after reading them. I’ve changed her and her husband’s names to
protect their identities and privacy.

How
important is outside friendship in a marriage? Does ensuring friendships
on the outside make for a healthy balance in the marriage?


Outside
friendships can be very healthy and fulfilling to married couples. Both individual
and couple friendships help to bring balance and fresh perspective. In fact, I
daresay it is required in a marriage, or any intimate relationship, to have the positive
influence of friends.


Both
old and new friends bring value to your life. Old friends know you well and sometimes
longer than your spouse, and therefore can keep you in touch with who you
are as an individual. New friends balance out old friends by introducing you to new
experiences and ways of thinking. The connection with both the old and new helps
you to see who you have been and who you would like to become as a complete
expression of your individuality.


Communing
with other married couples is also very important in a relationship, especially
when you have married friends at various stages in their relationships. You can
learn a great deal from someone who has been married 10 – 20 years longer than
you have. But, it doesn’t mean that you cannot learn from and appreciate the advice
lent by someone newly married, or who has been married the same length of time
as you.


The
most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to having other married couples
as friends is that you share something in common. There is a conversation and
an understanding amongst married couples that your still single friends cannot appreciate.
The same is true of married couples with children. It is difficult to discuss parenting
frustrations with couples who are not parents.

When
you are faced with a challenge in your marriage, or even a minor squabble, being
able to talk it through with other married folk who understand and know where you
are coming from is one of the greatest forms of therapy available. You may not agree
with everything that is offered up on the table, but nothing beats the advice of someone
who knows from firsthand experience.


Probably
one of the greatest assets of having other married couples as friends, in addition
to bonding with others who share similar views and interests, is that by being
around and observing other couples, you have the opportunity to see aspects of
things that could be missing, should be eliminated or should stay the same in your own
marriage. Every friendship brings with it an opportunity to learn and grow.

With
regards to non-couple friendships outside of the marriage, there are limits and boundaries
that shouldn’t be crossed. At the point when you met your mate there were
probably friends that existed before you came into each others’ lives, some of them
being the opposite sex. If those were true friendships that were not tainted by any
type of sexual interaction, then it is safe to bring those friendships with you into your
new relationship.


It is
also equally safe to create new bonds along the way with both the same and opposite
sex and introduce them into the fold of your marriage. This is usually most common
in workplace situations where co-workers become good friends. As you share
your experiences about work with your spouse, also talk about the new friend, or
friends you’ve made and how much you have in common. Some of the best friends
are created through workplace experiences.


By
talking openly about your friends, old and new, male and female, and even inviting
them to spend time with you and your spouse lowers the guard of suspicion. Openly
sharing your friends sends the message, “I have nothing to hide and my heart
is only with you”. On
the other hand, however, it is dangerous to create friendships that are kept in secret.


Even if the friendship is strictly platonic and there are no sexual feelings on either
side, if your partner ever found out about this person the level of trust they once
had for you would be violated because you were never open about your new friend.
Again, even if the friendship is nonsexual, if you don’t bring that friend into your
partner’s awareness, even if only by talking about them, you run the risk of appearing
as if you have something to hide once they do find out about your new friend.


Tomorrow I will share part II on this topic. Until then, enjoy the rest of your day and don’t forget to take the free Early Midlife Assessment if you haven’t already over at www.kitarawilson.com.

In Celebration,

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Filed Under: Family Life, Marriage Tagged With: , , , , ,

Are Your Beliefs in Alignment With What You Know to be True?

December 16, 2009 By 2 Comments

As I lay in bed the other night before drifting off to sleep, something profound occurred to me. I realized that a lot more work is yet to be done in me….not that I didn’t already know this, but the realization was of the work that I’m not even aware of that has yet to be done.

I realized that there are a lot of things that I know to be true. I currently have some health concerns that I would like to release once and for all, and two things that I know to be absolutely true are 1. that ANYTHING is possible with faith and 2. the body can heal itself of any imbalance or disease. I know these things to be true because I have seen and heard countless stories of people healing themselves through faith and action of what doctors deemed as “incurable”, and I have personally cleared my body of an imbalance that my own doctor was recommending a “slice and burn” remedy, through faith and the actions of forgiveness, love and an altered diet. So I know from personal experience that those above statements are absolute truths.

HOWEVER, what occurred to me the other night is that while I know these things to be true, for me to still have some health concerns must only mean one thing: my belief system is not in total alignment with what I know to be true, otherwise, I wouldn’t have these issues.

What I realized is that somewhere deep inside is a belief that is the complete opposite of what I know to be true. And, it is probably buried so deep that I can’t even recognize what it is. This is frustrating to say the least because how can I know what to address if I don’t even know what I’m addressing?

Sure, there are things that I am currently working on and I would imagine, as it has happened several times already, that as I work on one area or issue, other things come up that require attention and I work on releasing those things as well. It’s just part of the process. But hoping that I can uncover it on my own may not be enough.

So, instead of me trying to fumble around in the dark, I simply did the only thing I knew how to do. I asked for help. I asked God/Creator to help me recognize and release those beliefs that are not in total alignment with what I know to be true about abundant health and healing. And now that I’ve asked, I am  changing my request for help to a prayer of gratitude for the help: “Thank you for helping me to recognize and change the belief or beliefs in me that was or were not in alignment with my truth. And thank you for allowing my beliefs to now be in total alignment with my truth.” Being grateful for something before it has materialized in your life is a powerful act of faith.

So as you go through each day managing your midlife celebration, ask yourself what it is that you know to be absolutely true (what you have experienced personally in the past or witnessed in others). It could be health related or it could have to do with your career, finances, family, spirituality, friendships, love relationships, how you feel about yourself, your ability to experience success, anything. Then ask yourself if what you know to be true is in alignment with your belief system. Here’s another example:

If you know it to be true that it IS possible to be successful and not live paycheck to paycheck worrying about expenses, but your life is not producing those same results, chances are that somewhere inside, your belief system and what you know to be true are not in total alignment. One sure way to know this is that if you constantly tell yourself success-filled thoughts, but find yourself regularly speaking words like “I’m broke”, “I can’t afford”, “I can’t seem to get ahead”, “The recession…”, “Everything is so expensive…” to family, friends, co-workers and strangers in the checkout line at the grocery store, then there is surely a disconnect.

Once you’ve identified the disconnect, simply ask for help. Whatever higher power you believe in, start there, and if needed branch out to family members, friends, your church, and communities of like minded people. Help is ALWAYS available, you just have to reach out and ask for it.

As you receive the help you’ve sought out, get moving. If you receive help in the form of advice that makes sense and does not compromise your sense of integrity, take action! As you continue to move forward and towards your greater good, only good can unfold as a result of it. I know that to be true in my own life. But it cannot and will not happen if you receive help that you do not act on.

Even if your beliefs are not in total alignment with what you know to be true YET, they can and will be. Have faith, trust the process and take action. Together, we’ll get there.

In Celebration,
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Filed Under: Personal Growth, Spirituality Tagged With: , , , ,

Buckets of Blessings

December 7, 2009 By Leave a Comment

A couple of Sundays ago in church the message we received for the day was about “Buckets of Blessings”. The topic was based on the book, How Full Is Your Bucket? by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton, Ph.D.48.31562A

A brief overview of the premise of the book is that everyone inside of them has an invisible bucket. When we are filled with love, joy, gratitude, happiness, etc., our buckets are full and overflowing. But on the opposite end of the spectrum, when we are feeling angry, sad, bitter, unforgiving, etc. our buckets are very low if not completely depleted. And whether our buckets are full or empty, we project the contents of our buckets to others through our words and actions.

Now, the other part to this topic of having invisible internal buckets is that we each are also equipped with dippers, which would resemble a ladle. As we share love, kind words, encouragement, support, a smile, a laugh and compassion with others, we are filling their buckets, even if they have not been filling their own buckets. Yet, when we judge, condemn, refuse to forgive, hold anger and bitterness in our hearts towards others, we are dipping into their buckets and taking away their supply of good. But the most powerful lesson of all is that as we give or take away from someone else’s bucket, we do the same to our own supply. So the question we were left with was “Are you a bucket filler or a bucket dipper?” We were then each handed a miniature sized bucket that had someone’s name written on a piece of paper inside and throughout the week we were to be bucket fillers by sending positive and well-meaning intentions and energy to the names on those slips of paper.

In my own experience from doing the exercise, it felt good to feel my own energy level rise as a result of doing something good for someone else….even something as simple as sending positive thoughts. So my question to you as it was placed to me, are you a bucket filler or a bucket dipper?

Bucket filler Bucket dipper

If you are striving to be a bucket FILLER, here are five strategies that were shared with us on how to keep your buckets and others’ buckets overflowing:

1. Prevent Bucket Dipping
(So avoid negative thoughts, words, energy and actions as much as possible. It isn’t always easy, but it is possible if you step back and observe yourself more closely. By doing this you will quickly recognize if you’re dippin’)

2. Shine a Light on What is Right
(Love and praise all that is good and keep your comments to yourself when someone makes a mistake. For those of us who are parents, we strive to practice this daily by encouraging and being coaches to our kids and praising them for their good instead of condemning them for what they do wrong. If you absolutely HAVE to shine light on a mistake, choose your words carefully and correct with love)

3. Make Best Friends
(Value the people who come into your life for everyone comes into your life for a reason or a season. Appreciate and honor them and take the time to foster a friendship with them as when done in love, friendships are mutually beneficial)

4. Give Unexpectedly
(Do something nice for someone that isn’t expected. Treat a co-worker to lunch, iron your husband’s shirts, watch your neighbor’s kids for a couple of hours so they can go on a date. All of these and so many others are little things that can mean so much to someone else. And in doing something from the heart that is unexpected, it makes you feel great!)

5. Reverse the Golden Rule
(The Golden Rule states “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, which deals with reciprocity and the idea that so as you give, so you receive. But why not give without expecting anything in return? Why not give of yourself freely and joyfully to others without expectation of them returning the favor? How freeing would it be to do a favor for someone without expecting them to “owe you back”, or giving a few dollars to a homeless man on the street without questioning whether or not he keeps his word to you and really uses it for the food he says he’s hungry for or if he uses it for something else? Think of how good it will feel to do something good from the heart just because)

I encourage everyone as we travel through this midlife celebration to think of ways we can be bucket fillers instead of dippers. Bless others with the gift of who you are authentically and your bucket will constantly runneth over.

In Celebration,

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Don’t Call it a Midlife “Crisis”

December 1, 2009 By Leave a Comment

By definition, according to the Penguin English Dictionary 2nd Edition sitting here on my desk, a crisis is "a time of acute difficulty or danger…" So if you break that down, to embrace the term "midlife crisis" really translates into "my life is in or is headed for acute difficulty or danger". Honestly ladies, given the already uncertain emotional state that you're in, do you really want to add the loom and doom of "acute difficulty or danger" as a little black rain cloud hanging over your head?Angry-woman-2_Full

I didn't think so….at least I know I didn't, which is why I embraced the idea of CELEBRATING this wacked out stage of my life. The idea of champagne toasts and fun (celebration) just sounds more palatable than banging my head up against brick walls and running scared all the time even if in the figurative sense (difficulty and danger), dontchathink?Champagne_toast

I created this blog and most recently the companion Facebook Page, Women's Early Midlife Celebration, to appeal to women in their pre-midlife "crisis" years. Women like me, who are approaching or are in the second half of their lives and are feeling the angst of what is to come and is commonly known as the "midlife crisis". This can be a very trying time in a woman's life emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. There are many feelings of anger, sadness, frustration and sheer hopelessness.

Society has dubbed this time in both men and women's middle years as a crisis, and interestingly enough, people have fallen into that very trap. At the first sign of distress, confusion, grey hair, arthritis or emotions they don't fully understand, they willingly embrace going through a midlife CRISIS, when in fact it should be looked upon as a midlife CELEBRATION.

Amidst what is clearly an emotionally troubling period in life, why consider it a celebration? Well not only have we been blessed to live long enough to experience this point in our lives, but we now have a bit of wisdom on our side that tips the scale of balance. We will not journey through this second stage of life the same way we groped around blindly up into this point.

This wealth of wisdom that has now been deposited into our life account doesn't mean we will glide through the second half of our journey unscathed, on the contrary. There will be bumps in the road here and there, but maturity, wisdom and past life lessons will guide us over these minor hurdles with what should be minimal damage.

Right Here, Doing It™ is about acknowledging and embracing what is out of balance and celebrating the fact that not only can we get back into balance, but there are many wonderful ways in order to do so. This is not a cookie cutter solution where one method is expected to work for everyone. Right Here, Doing It™ is about honoring and respecting the individuality of each woman, and knowing that as women and beings on this planet, we have to find what works best for us. What works for me may not work for 50 other women and vice versa. But what is so amazing is that there is something for everyone.

So when I tell you that I am Right Here, Doing It™ with you, please believe that. All that I am doing to help other women feel good about themselves and find tools and solutions to navigate through this transition into the second stage of life is just as therapeutic for me as it is for you. And it is my hope that as we travel on this midlife celebration journey together that I can be of support and encouragement to you, as I know you will be to me.

So please, check back with me often for ongoing encouragement and support, and stay tuned as I try and figure out how to now get my blog posts to import over to my Facebook Women's Early Midlife Celebration page instead of my personal profile page. Hmmmmm.

In Celebration,

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